The First Sixty or So Days: A Speed Freaky Presidency

Too bad Donald Trump’s not bipolar — and I mean that for his own sake and for all of our sakes. No shit!

If he were bipolar, his manic jags would be offset by subterranean descents into despair that would inevitably slow him down. He’d retreat into his gold-plated cocoon and contemplate something besides the immediate, something weightier than big deals and the day-to-day. Who knows, maybe he would ponder the cycle of birth and death, the universality of suffering, or the arc of history rather than the latest Nielsen ratings of The Apprentice.

Here’s something we all can agree on, Democrats and Republicans alike, the POTUS needs to chill.

Let’s face it: the first sixty-six days of his presidency have been fraught with way too much hyperactivity, way too much drama. Not to put too fine of a point on it, so far the Trump Administration has been sort of like a quick cut episode of Sesame Street co-directed by John Walters and David Lynch.

The mere number of newsworthy incidents is overwhelming, exhausting. In early February, John Marshall put it best when he wrote about “the third week of [Trump’s] decades long presidency.”

If you think I’m exaggerating, here’s an abbreviated timeline.

20 January 2017

Looking out over the mall during the oath of office, Trump sees people as far as the eye can see. “Wow, this crowd is tremendous,” he thinks, “it’s got to be the biggest inauguration crowd in history.” After the ceremony, checking Twitter for rave revues of the ceremony, he runs across AP’s aerial photographic comparison of crowd sizes of his versus Obama’s 2008 inauguration. He claims subterfuge, the photos were doctored, etc. A tweet storm ensues.

In other news, flanked by lots of older white people, he signs a flurry of retrogressive executive orders.

He lies about the weather.

Looks as if 1017 could use a combover (image source Fortune magazine)

21 January 2017

Sean Spicer, press secretary, debuts as a spineless disseminator of demonstratively false statements, reviving the role of Baghdad Bob for a reluctant Washington press corps.

Speaking of crowds, 4, 000,000 people worldwide, including 500, 000 in DC, march in protest of the President of the United States. Bad!

Meanwhile, Trump travels to CIA headquarters and delivers a brazen political speech in front of a memorial for fallen CIA heroes, which, not surprisingly, fails to endear him to those same folks he had earlier in the campaign called Nazis.

23 January 2017

Makes delusional claim of thousands illegally voting to rob him of the popular vote victory. In a rare instance of bipartisanship, both Democratic and Republican leaders debunk the claim.

24 January 2017

Signs executive orders restarting construction of the Dakota pipeline and mandating that only domestic steel be used in its construction.

25 January 2017

Issues an executive order to begin construction of a wall on the US/ Mexican border. Doesn’t answer my tweet suggesting we create signage for the wall that states, ‘Malos hombres y hombrettes no son bienvenidos.”

27 January 2017

At the Pentagon signs the Bannon/Miller “crafted” executive order[1] suspending the Refugee Admissions Program for seven predominantly Muslim countries with whom he doesn’t do business.

29 January 2017

Authorizes the Yakla raid in Yemen that results in the deaths of Navy Seal Ryan Owens, fourteen members of Al-Qaeda, and “between 16-59 Yemeni or other nationality civilian casualties.”[2] Trump explains away the less than ideal outcome: “[The generals] came to me, they explained what they wanted to do ― the generals ― who are very respected, my generals are the most respected that we’ve had in many decades, I believe. And they lost Ryan.”[3]

30 January 2017

Fires acting Attorney General Sally Yates for not enforcing the “Muslim refugee ban.”

31 January 2017

Nominates Neal Gorsuch to replace Merrick Garland Antonin Scalia. Trump doesn’t make an ass out of himself, and his behavior is declared “Presidential” by Fake News outlet CNN.

1 February 2017

Discusses refugee policy with Australian PM Malcolm Turnbill.[4] It’s not clear who slammed the phone down on whom. At any rate, Un-Fake News site Wikipedia refers to the call as “truncated.”

2 February 2017

At the National Prayer Breakfast facetiously asks attendees to beseech the Lord to help Arnold Schwarzenegger’s sagging ratings of The Apprentice. The joke goes over like a delivery of catered ham sandwiches to a Bar Mitzvah reception.

3 February 2017

Judge James Robart of the Ninth Circuit Court blocks Trump’s “Muslim Ban” order. Trump rails against judiciary. Supreme Court nominee Gorsusch calls the outburst “troubling.”

9 February 2017

Federal appeals panel unanimously rejects Trump appeal to reinstate the travel ban from those seven predominately countries with whom he doesn’t do business. Although the ban’s hasty implementation had been predicated on national security, the Administration decides to take a couple of extra weeks to get the damned thing right.

11 February 2017

Plays golf at the Winter, Southern Every Weekend White House (aka Mar-a-Lago) with Japanese PM Shinzo Abe where they discuss (in descending order) the “future of the world, the future of the region, the future of Japan, and the future of the United States.”

During a luncheon in the public dining area of the resort, Trump learns that North Korea has test-launched a missile.

According to Fake-News source CNN:

As Mar-a-Lago’s wealthy members looked on from their tables, and with a keyboard player crooning[5] in the background, Trump and Abe’s evening meal quickly morphed into a strategy session, the decision-making on full view to fellow diners, who described it in detail to CNN.

13 February 2017

Absent-minded “Lock-Her-Up” cheerleader General Michael Flynn resigns after forgetting to mention that he did after all have contact with Russian ambassador Sergey Kislvak even though he had VP Mike Pence swear up and down to the American people that he hadn’t. Later it would also come out that the absent-minded general also forgot to mention he had registered as a foreign agent for Turkey.

15 February 2017

Reince Priebus asks FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe to put the kibosh the story that Trump associates have “been in regular communication with Russian agents.”

16 February 2017

In marathon news conference Trump brands the media as “the enemy,” disavows any contact of his people with Russian agents, and declares that the official colors of the American flag are red, white, and tangerine. Repeatedly uses the term “fake news.”[6]

18 February 2017

Holds a “campaign style” rube rally in Melbourne, Florida, to raise his testosterone levels.

28 February 2017

Buzz Feed releases British intelligence agent Christopher Steele’s dossier on Trump, which contains titillating tidbits like Trump paid a prostitute to urinate on a bed Obama and Michelle had slept in, but also claims that Trump’s associates had “regular contact with Russian agents.”

Trump gives his first state of the union address, a speech lauded as “presidential” by Washington Post Fake News critic Chris Cilllizza.

In that speech, Trump suggests that dead Navy Seal Ryan Owens is “happy” because bringing his widow out during the address got Trump the longest ovation of the evening.

1 March 2017

DOJ confirms that Attorney General Jeff Sessions twice met with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak during the campaign.

What, me worry?

2 March 2017

White House confirms that powerful don-in-law[7] Jared Kushner also met with – guess who — Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak.

4 March 2017

Unsupervised at the Every Weekend White House, Trump accuses “sick” President Obama of wiretapping his campaign.

8 March 2017

Paul Ryan, who has been dreaming off punishing poor people since drinking out of a keg at U of Miami, Ohio, begins drafting a replacement bill for Obamacare.

10 March 2017

Trump intimate Roger Stone admits he’s had contact with nefarious Russian hacker Grucifer 2.0.

13 March 2017

White House asks for delay in providing evidence for claim that Obama wiretapped Trump Tower. 

14 March 2017

Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee Rep. Deven Nunes reports no evidence of Trump Tower wiretapping.

15 March 2017

Rube rally in Nashville to raise testosterone levels.

16 March 2017

Baghdad Bob sound-alike Sean Spicer accuses the British Spy agency of colluding with Obama to spy on Trump.

British upper lips not all that stiff upon hearing the accusation. 

17 March 2017

Trump celebrates St. Paddy’s day by refusing to shake German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s hand.

18 March 2018

Golf at the Every Weekend White House.

20 March 2017

At House Intelligence Committee Hearing FBI Director Comey debunks Obama wiretap accusation; NSA Adm. Mike Rogers debunks charge that US asked British intelligence to spy on Trump. Comey spills the beans that indeed there is a criminal investigation of possible collusion between Russia and the Trump campaign to undermine the US election.

Sean Spicer says the Committee Hearing has established there has been no coordination between the Russians and the Trump campaign. Stands by wiretapping allegation.

* * *

Okay, I’m done. Just let me add that in two months time, the Trump Presidency has is already embroiled in a scandal that makes Teapot Dome look like a parking infraction.

I say, let’s get the POTUS a scrip for some downers.


[1] The shoddiness of the document brings to mind my least favorite teacher comment ever on my writing: “Obviously a rush job and not a particularly clever one at that.” George Geckle, PhD. Ouch!

[2] Wikipedia (the lazy bloggers go-to info source)

[3] Note they, not we.

[4] Not to be confused with the PG Wodehouse character of the same name.

[5] I’m dying to know what he was crooning. “Feelings?” “I Gotta Be Me?” “Horst-Wessel-Lied?”

[6] By the way, I slipped some real fake news in that paragraph. Can you find it?

[7] Not a typo

4 thoughts on “The First Sixty or So Days: A Speed Freaky Presidency

  1. The Wages of Smug is Trump

    For some time now I’ve struggled in understanding the thought process (or lack thereof) of my left-handed friends. These are a big chunk of my best friends – artists, writers, musicians, soul brothers and sisters that I love dearly and would do almost anything for (1). Mostly white, educated, suburban, middle class from two apparently heterosexual parents, these are some of the brightest, most creative, thoughtful people I know. What perplexes me is that with all the collective wisdom, experience, and sensitivity these gifted creatures have, it appears that they go through life (first and last cliché alert- there’ll be plenty) with blinders on when it comes to their sociopolitical views.

    Now before the hypersensitive left knee-jerk reaction kicks in and you want to crawl back into your self-imposed post-election exile without reading anything that is slightly contrary to your long-held oft-misguided worldview let me qualify: my right-handed friends have their own set of issues to deal with as well. As further qualification let me state unequivocally that I did not vote for either the lesser or the greater of the two evils: that’s just plain evil-choosing. But those are subjects for another day.

    What really gets me about most left-handers is that, regardless of the historically documented, inherently evil activities of their favorite elitist neoliberal progressive establishment candidates and operatives, they refuse to acknowledge that evil is evil, despite what side it’s on. They unabashedly bash the right-handed candidates while categorically denying any wrongdoing by their chosen saviors. Don’t get me wrong- I appreciate a good right-handed bashing. I’m ambidextrous when it comes to evil politician bashing. The point is that one evil is no better than the other evil, so bash objectively. But that objectivity appears to be non-existent in the all-knowing, politically correct, ever-so-sensitive-for-the-downtrodden-yet-elitist-leaning, our-way-will-save-the-planet left-handers.

    So what makes these lefties tick? Why do they have such tunnel vision? I stumbled across an article from a liberal media source (Vox) by a liberal blogger (Emmitt Bersin). Perhaps this article explains part of it. Of course I’m sure none of my friends fall into the category of smug liberal elitists, but this could be an explanation for the left’s latest loss, and the crumbling of their revered institutions, the Democratic Party and the DNC. Read the whole thing and enjoy (or don’t enjoy, but it’s worth the read):

    Remember Lefty, you had this election in the George Soros money stained palm of your hand and you blew a big lead in the fourth quarter. Blame it on the Russkies, Little Debbie Whatshername Putz, Donna Bra-zeal, Bernie Bro, Slick Willie, Hilla the Hun or whatever phantom boogeyman you choose. But now we all have to live with the wages of smug.

    Term Limits for Congress…End the Federal Reserve…Peace on Ya!

    (1) Screw the convention of not ending sentences with prepositions

  2. Damn, Mr. Langston. You got yourself a killer prose style. I give this sentence, “Blame it on the Russkies, Little Debbie Whatshername Putz, Donna Bra-zeal, Bernie Bro, Slick Willie, Hilla the Hun or whatever phantom boogeyman you choose” an A++ I don’t disagree that there’s evil on both sides, but that there are degrees of evil. By the way, you still am ex-pat? Living the Papa H life? I got one more year behind the podium, then I’m hitting the road myself. Cheers!

  3. Wow! Haven’t had an A++ since that last creative writing course at Carolina…and coming from such an esteemed and revered Lowcountry persona to boot!

    We’re still hangin out at the end of the road in the middle of the sea. As part of our anthropological forays we ventured into the big city in search of March Madness, longing for Gamecock action. Alas, it was not to be. However, we did encounter a Madrileño with an affinity for tequila and disappearing acts, and a group of international sailing angels with killer weed. Events progressed as should be expected in those circumstances, and I’m happy to say we avoided incarceration and found each other before daylight.

    Perhaps we can get together in the near future and I’ll give you the play by play account. One last thing- did you read the article?


  4. I skimmed it (given it is novella-length), and it reminds me of David Foster Wallace’s essay on irony, which in contemporary America meaning if you’re ironic, you’re in on the joke, above the rubes, in a word smug. And I have read the two recent books on the Trump blue collar base, “400 Years of White Trash” and “Hillbilly Lullaby.” The bad news is the coal mines ain’t coming back nor the factories. Do you know the Tom Russell and Iris DeMent dust “Big Water?” If not, here’s a link:

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