The Flacci Conspiracy

I’m not going to lie. I’m getting frustrated trying to find an agent for my novel Too Much Trouble. I’ve visited dozens of literary agency websites. They might consider a manuscript involving serial-killer Cub Scout den mothers, dragon-riding interior decorators, sexually repressed werewolves, psychosocially damaged hydro-therapists, or emotionally available Navy SEALs; however, none of them are interested in a coming-of-age novel featuring three college-freshman navigating first love, family, friendship, and loss during one unforgettable Christmas week in 1972.^[1]

So the hell with it. Farewell, Too Much Trouble. Hail, The Flacci Conspiracy.  

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Here’s a brief synopsis of The Flacci Conspiracy.

Following the aftermath of a world-wide pandemic and four years of godless communistic rule from a doddering old fool who blinks his eyes a lot, voters without college degrees flock to the polls and elect an evangelist-backed charismatic felon^[1] obsessed with spicing up Washington DC’s stodgy neo-classical architecture with some Rococo glitter. His grand vision includes a White House ballroom, a Triumphal arch, and a restored Reflection Pool.^[2]

However, the former leader of NIAID^[3], Antonio Flacci, is hell-bent on sabotaging the President’s beautification projects. He decides to start small by ruining the Reflection Pool restoration. There’s a problem, however. The pool is monitored by a half dozen mobile security stations and at least nine camera sets. 

Working around the clock, the evil scientists at NIAID come up with a diabolical formula resulting in a potion that when ingested turns people invisible for four hours. 

Armed with box-cutters and packets of fertilizer, four invisible Antifa ninjas slit the Reflection Pool’s lining and seed its pristine Bessy Ross blue water with fertilizer, resulting in a virulent outbreak of alga and widespread negative media attention.

I’ll admit I haven’t quite figured out how truth justice, and the American way will be restored, but it will come to me as I’m writing. As my late friend Starkey Flythe, Jr. used to say, “The pen leads the mind.”

Anyway, the very thought of this has restored my will to live.

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^[1] Picture a combination of the wrestler Gorgeous George and Liberace.

^[2] What do you get when you subtract the letters i-h-a-l from Triumphal?

^[3] the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases

^[1]Too Much Trouble does feature a serial killer, but the murders take place “off-stage,” and John Henry Wade dies of natural causes (i.e., a case of the flu) before the police can capture after in a high-speed chase through Dorchester County.