Memo to Jeb: Tips on Killing Baby Hitler

baby hitlerFirst of all, killing Embryo Hitler is verboten. It’s absolutely necessary that Mother Hitler has birthed Baby Hitler before you kill him because, as you have often noted, abortion is an abomination.

Warning: Baby Hitler is not going to be sporting that signature mustache or that off-putting hairstyle. In other words, he’s going to appear to be a sweet, innocent bundle of joy. I dare say that you won’t be able to identify him as Austrian much less as the future architect of the Holocaust. The bottom line is that killing Baby Hitler is going to be sort of like putting a pit bull puppy to death. Unless you’re a sadist, what you’re about to do is going to be very unpleasant.

I suggest offing the would-be Fuhrer shortly after his birth because newborns, despite the “beautifuls” and “adorables” you see next to their images on Facebook posts, tend to be wizened little squirming red-faced creatures that resemble very old people, whom we associate with death anyway, which makes slaying a newborn a tad bit easier, psychologically speaking, than dispatching a two-week old.

No matter the age, before ending his life, make sure to clad Baby Hitler in a miniature Nazi romper complete with swastikas. Believe me, you don’t want him sporting anything emblazoned with bunny rabbits.

Of course, the paramount question is how. Even though gassing him or strapping him in a miniature electric chair is neither cruel nor unusual given that it has been a state-sanctioned means of dispensing with our capital criminals, those methods strike us as excessive.

I suggest perhaps applying a lethal dose of cyanide to his pacifier, which again I suggest be in the form of a swastika.

But ultimately, Jeb, it’s your call.

At any rate, good luck, and God bless help the United States of America!

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