A Finger Puppet Play in One Act
Scene One : The castle at Elsinore.
Enter Hamlet moping
Hamlet: O, would this too, too solid flesh melt
and resolve itself into a dew.
O, how weary stale and flat seem to me
All the uses of this world. Fie on it. Fie!
Goddamn it! What a rogue and peasant slave am I!
The night sky that wheels above us,
That brave o’er hanging firmament,
That majestic roof fretted with golden fire,
Why it appearth no other thing to me
than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors.
O, to be or not to be that is the question.
O, to sweat and groan under a weary life.
Fie on it. Fie.
But soft! Methinks
I hear that most pernicious woman
whose name is frailty.
Gertrude: Hamlet, O Hamlet.
Hamlet: Yes, mother.
Gertrude. O Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off and
let me giveth thee a sponge bath.
Hamlet: O mother, you know I have that appointment
Today with Dr. Freud.
Gertrude: I had forgot. Cancel it, love.
Hamlet: You knoweth what a procrastinator
I be. I shall go to the appointment.
Gertrude: Well giveth your mother a little kiss,
my love, before thou leavest.
Scene Two: Dr. Freud’s Offices.
Freud and James Joyce engaging in “the talking cure.”
Freud: Keep Going, Mr. Joyce. Get it Out
Joyce: Well, you know or don’t you kennet or haven’t I told you every telling has a taling and that’s the he and the she of it. Look, look, the dusk is growing!
Freud: Very well then, Mr. Joyce I’ll see you next time.
Joyce: By the way, Doc, to say that a great genius is half-mad, while recognizing his artistic prowess, is worth as much as saying that he was rheumatic, or that he suffered from diabetes. Madness, in fact, is a medical expression to which a balanced critic should pay no more heed than he would to the accusation of heresy brought by the theologian, or to the accusation of immorality brought by the public prosecutor. Good Day
Freud: His Inflated ego is furthered pathologized by anal expulsiveness. What is that last book of his Finnegan’s Wake by a vast shit explosion? Anna!
Enter Anna Freud.
Anna: Yes, Father?
Freud: Whose next?
Anna. He calls himself Hamlet, Hamlet the Dane.
Scene Three: Hamlet and Freud’s session
(Hamlet lying on the psychiatric couch)
Freud: Enough about your mother. Tell me about this step father of yours.
Hamlet: O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain! Bloody, bawdy villain!
Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain!
Freud: So I take it you do not like this man.
Hamlet: I should have fatted all the region kites
With this slave’s offal.
Freud: My son, it’s quite clear that you suffer from an Oedipal complex, that you are fixated in the phallic stage. Our work is done here. That will be 500 marks.
Hamlet: You joketh. That’s it? I want another opinion.
Freud: Very well. Anna! Bring in Dr. Jung
Freud: Dr. Jung, this young man wants to kill his father.
Freud: To kill his father so he can be with alone with his mother, which obviously denotes the Oedipal complex.
Jung: I’ve been thinking, Herr Mentor, that you over-emphasize the sexual component in mental illness. I have a slightly different take.
Freud: I dare you! How dare you! Contradict me!
Scene Four: Hamlet alone on the Battlement.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
The rest is silence.
Enter Joyce doing a jig
Joyce: If others have their will Ann hath a way. By cock, she was to blame. She put the comether on him, sweet and twentysix. The greyeyed goddess who bends over the boy Adonis, stooping to conquer, as prologue to the swelling act, is a boldfaced Stratford wench who tumbles in a cornfield a lover younger than herself.
End here. Us then. Finn, again! Take. Bussoftlhee, mememormee! Till thousandsthee. Lps. The keys to. Given! A way a lone a last a loved a long the