South Carolina, the Creation Science State

Senator Mike Fair, the carefree hypochondriac, has successfully struck a clause from cutting edge South Carolina’s not-so-new new science standards as the Modular Home State continues to lead the nation in embracing the concept of a 1st Century AD classroom.  

This educational apostasyphilosophy, according to Senator Fair, will prepare students for the most profound challenge they will face in the upcoming century, i.e., avoiding an eternity of everlasting perdition, “torture without end [. . .] a fiery deluge, fed with ever-burning sulphur (sic) unconsumed,” as the 17th Century astro-physicist John Milton put it.[1]

Here is the controversial clause in question:

Conceptual Understanding: Biological evolution occurs primarily when natural selection acts on the genetic variation in a population and changes the distribution of traits in that in that population over multiple generations.

Not so fast, says broad-minded Baptist Fair: “To teach natural selection is the answer to origins is wrong.  I don’t have a problem with teaching theories.  I don’t think it should be taught as fact.”[2]

In agreement with Fair is state Superintendent of Education Mick Zais, a Darwinian doubter who for some odd reason introduced forensic chemistry into Newberry College’s college curriculum when he served as president.  “This has been going on in South Carolina for quite some time,” Zais noted.  “We ought to teach them both sides and let students draw their own conclusions.[3]

Actually, Dr. Zais’s idea of teaching the theory of evolution vis a vis with creation mythsscience has already been implemented in a few avant garde Upcountry independent schools in the state.  Your commentator has obtained an exclusive copy of a comparison/contrast essay by a senior at Pitchfork Ben Tillman Christian Academy.


Skinner Hodges
Mrs. Tammy Jean Weektee
English IllI
Febuary 2014 A.D.

For the six thousand years man has walked the planet

earth, they have been arguing about how this God-Created

miracle of a planet came to be. And we are not only talking

about people, that are saved, but about pagean people, too.

That being the case, it is not, we reckon, not all that

surprising that people are still arguing about this topic.

This six-weeks we have been studying two different

versions of creation. The scientific and biblical versions.

The scientific version is based on human observation, that

is often faulty, and the Biblical version is based on the

unerrant Word of God. This paper using the block method

will compare and contrast the two theories.

     First, the scientific theory, which is full of holes. According

to this, out of nowhere this bigbang spit stars that cooled

and somehow or other little cells popped up on earth,

started dividing and over a ridiculous long period of time

ended up being monkeys that ended up being man. Not to

mention they haven’t found a missing link to prove any of


     The Biblical theory is that the Lord created the world and

all of its creatures. This makes more sense. First, the world

did not come from nothing, which even a special education

kid could tell you makes no sense, but from the Hand of the

Almighty. Adam and Eve started out as people, not as

germs and viruses, who could walk upright in the garden

from Day 1. Add to this that this version does not come

from the faulty observations of Fallen Man but from the

Mouth of the Almighty by way of Its servant Moses.

     In conclusion. We live in a free country. You’re free to

believe in evolution if you like or in the Biblical version.

The facts, though, speak for themselves.


Great job Skinner. Almost perfect, except that
“Six Weeks” should be in capitols because it
refers to a specific school-related period of time


In other good news, Governor Hayley is expected to sign the bill allowing patrons to bring their firearms into bars without their having to go through training or criminal background checks.


SC Celebrity, Pee Wee Gaskins

[1] Symbol S, atomic number 16.

[2] When self-proclaimed right-thinking leftist Pointee Head questioned if Fair, a product of SC schools, could actually read, given that the above clause says nothing about “origins,” he was easily squashed by Fair’s Churchillian sally, “Hey, if I can’t read, how did I get a football scholarship to USC?”

[3] The “naked” this in above sentence doesn’t refer to sex education but to “not believing in science.” Dr. Zais believes students should receive abstinence only sex education and that students should not be aware that condoms even exist because sometimes letting students “see both sides” and “draw their own conclusions” can lead to eternal damnation.

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