A Fascist Vet Answers Your Pet Questions

Blaine Middlebrow: Hello, pet lovers out there; it’s time once again for the South Carolina Today and Yesterday. This morning we’re honored to have a guest vet on the show, Dr. Viktor Autarky, Commandant of the Gadsden Veterinary Clinic in beautiful Pickens, South Carolina. He’s here to answer your pet questions for you.

Good afternoon, Dr. Autarky.   Already the phones are lighting up with listeners eager to have you answer their pet questions, but before we get to those callers, you have something to say about pets being outside in these blazing August temperatures.

Autarky [in a heavy German accent]: That is correct, comrade. I hear people saying to bring your pets indoors when the temperatures get above 35 degrees.

Middlebrow: That would be 95 degrees Fahrenheit, right?

Autarky: Ya, 95 degrees Fahrenheit.   But I say that bringing your pets inside is bad policy. They must stay outside and endure the heat. After all, they are animals, and they survived for millions of years before there were human habitations. Who does bring the coyotes in during the summer? They seem to be doing just fine. I say do not spoils your pets. It makes zem weak.

Middlebrow: Gosh, I never thought of it quite like that. And we certainly don’t want our pets to be weak.

Autarky: Nor our children. Dat is why Comrade Haley won’t expand Medicaid. Let natural selection take care of the problem. It will sort out the weak from the strong.

Middlebrow: Okay, then. Let’s get right to the phones. We have on the line Lindsey from Greenville. Lindsey, how can Dr. Autarky help you?

Lindsey: Well, you just got this adorable rescue mixed breed from the shelter, and well, she has real food issues. I accidently left the pantry door open, and she ate up all the bread – or we thought she had – but she had actually hidden packages all over the house. How can I train her not to steal food?

Middlebrow: First, what do you expect? You chose a dog that is ze product of miscegenation. Did you beat the mongrel?

Lindsey: Of course, not.

Autarky: Next time scream in the mongrel’s ear, point to ze bread, and beat it with a stick. If it does it again, put it down and get a German shepherd.

[Buzzing sound of hung up phone]

Autarky: We must not coddle or pets or our children. Who is dis football player, what’s his name, the Viking who disciplined his son?

Middlebrow: Adrian Peterson?

Autarky: Ya, Ya. I cannot believe that he has been suspended for disciplining his son.

Middlebrow: Have you seen the photographs?

Autarky: Ya, superficial lacerations from a mere switch. My beloved father used a cattle prod on me, and I turned out all right.

Middlebrow: All righty. Time for another caller. We have Justine on the line from Mt. Pleasant. Justine, how can we help you?

Justine: I just moved into an apartment complex that only allows cats, so I got one. I’ve never owned a cat in my life. When I had dogs, I used to like it when they would lick my hand, so the other day, I put some milk on my hand, so the cat would learn to lick me, but when he did, his tongue felt yukky, like sandpaper. Is that normal or is the cat deformed?

Autarky: I strongly suggest you put it down. Euthanize it.

Middlebrow: Ah, Justine. You might want to get a second opinion on that.

Autarky: Be my guest, but I assure you there is no cure for a cat with a scratchy tongue.

Middlebrow: I think we have time for one last caller. It’s Briona, from Sullivan’s Island. Briona, what’s up? How can we help you?

Briona: I heard Dr. Autarky mention coyotes earlier. They’re taking over the island. Just last week one jumped over a four-foot fence and took away my neighbor’s toy French poodle. The animal control people won’t do anything about it. I have a five year old, and I’m terrified to leave him alone in our fenced yard. Would a coyote attack a child that age? What should we do?

Autarky [chuckling]: A French poodle, you say? Good work comrade coyote. But, seriously, I take it your five-year-old is armed and knows how to shoot a shotgun.

Briona: Well, no. Isn’t that too young?

Autarky: Nein, of course, not. I could clean, load, and accurately shoot a luger when I was 3. You must teach your son how to shoot. I suggest for youngsters that age a 410 shotgun because it’s much easier to hit the target. I promise you, if you take my advice, we’ll not have any coyote problems, nor any problems from bullies as well.

Briona. Well, thanks, doctor. I’ll look into that.

Middlebrow: Well, folks, that’s all the time we have for pet questions. I’d like to thank Dr. Viktor Autarky of the Gadsden Veterinary Clinic for taking time to be with his today.

Autarky: You are very welcome. My pleasure. We must remain strong.

Middlebrow: Well, next up, we have South Carolina novelist  Theodora Thaddeus Templeton who’s going to discuss her latest book Mt. Pleasant By-Pass. But first, a message from our sponsors.

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