Zen Advice for Tonight’s Top Tier Republican Debaters

swearing inDonald Trump, don’t wear a suit and tie. Opt for the casual look. Since when did you let society dictate what’s wrong and right? Quote Colonel Kurtz from Apocalypse Now as you wave your arm in a dismissive, sweeping motion. Say, “I’m beyond their lying, petty morality.”

second-comingSpeaking of the Apocalypse, Ben Carson, if someone tries to pin you down on your recent statement that Medicare needs to be abolished, dodge the question with the phrase, “In light of the eschatological truths espoused by Seventh Day Adventism . . . ”

Go into the nuts and bolts of what will occur when Jesus returns and why Medicare won’t be necessary in the post-Apocalyptic Millennial Reign of the Saints. That should sew up Iowa.

Come out swinging, Jeb [Bush]. That is, embrace your Wasp-ness and carry a Big Bertha Driver with you on stage.   Every time Trump starts blathering about how great he is, step back and take a couple of practice swings. When the moderator asks you to comment on Trump’s insults, simply say, “New Money.”

Marco Rubio, when the moment avails itself, address Jeb in Spanish. Insist that he answer you in Spanish. We keep hearing that his Spanish is flawless, but how can it be given that his English syntax is the auditory equivalent of an unsolved Rubik’s Cube? This ploy will demonstrate to Latinos that you’re the one, hermano.

John Kasich, embrace the 2000 candidate John McCain and do some “straight talking.” Say what your said on NPR this morning, that the public (read Republican primary voters) are ill-informed fantasists when it comes to understanding how governments and societies function. In other words, they are the living embodiments of how our educational system is in desperate need of a massive overhaul.

Second Tier Debaters, tough luck. You’re doomed. Forget it. Play it cool.

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