Good morning, Ms Coulter.

I prefer Miss to Ms., girly-boy. Do I look like a feminist? [holds her armpit to the FaceTime camera]. See, it’s shaven. Obviously you haven’t done your homework. The only women who want to be called Ms are hideous fem-Nazis like Andrea Dworkin, a woman ugly enough to turn the Medusa into stone. Thank God she’s dead. Goes to show you God hates hideousness. Do you even know who Andrea Dworkin is, shit-for-brains? Here’s a picture of her. I always carry a picture of her to remind me that God despises assholes.

So You believe in God?

For Christsakes, you idiot. Ever heard of Google? Type in ‘Coulter Christianity’ and you get 704,000 hits in 0.25 seconds. Here’s hit number one: “In fact, Jesus’ distinctive message was People are sinful and need to be redeemed, and this is your lucky day because I’m here to redeem you even though you don’t deserve it, and I have to get the crap kicked out of me to do it. That is the reason He is called ‘Christ the Redeemer’ rather than ‘Christ the Moron Driving Around in a Volvo”‘.

I take that to be a yes. You’re a Christian.

And let me guess, Mr. Obvious. Your next question is going to be that given my pit-bull pugnaciousness, doesn’t my calling myself a Christian  smack of hypocrisy given the turn-the-the-cheek ethos espoused by the Redeemer? Here’s what I have to say to that: “Some slaveholders claimed to be Christians, too. Howard Dean, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Teddy Kennedy and John Kerry all belong to a church that believes it’s okay to stick a fork in a baby’s head. To the extent one is practicing liberalism, one is not practicing the religion of our Father.”

All righty. Moving on to another subject. You’ve recently created a virtual firestorm by suggesting that America’s increasing interest in soccer signals . . .

. . . a sign of the nation’s moral decay. So you can google after all. Yes, I realize this probably offends your decadent Marxist leftist ideology, but I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. Like I’ve said, “The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO’s ‘Girls,’ light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton. The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is “catching on” is exceeded only by the ones pretending women’s basketball is fascinating.”

Excuse, Miss Coulter, but it just occurs to me that despite your differing views on body hair on females, you and Andrea Dworkin are a lot alike — I mean, as far as tolerance goes, you both make the Inquisition look like Mr. Rogers-

Okay, that’s it. This interview’s over. [turns off Skype]