A la Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar and Macbeth, natural phenomena go haywire. The earth becomes feverous and shakes; lions are seen strolling up K Street. By clock it is day, but night has strangled the sun, casting darkness about the capital. When Trump places his hand upon the Bible, his palm and fingers are seared. Franklin Graham blames all of these unnatural events on the LBGTQ community.
Kid Rock recites an Inaugural poem.
O-Da-Lin in the USA
Yo,Yo,Yo, Yo Da Lin in the USA
A delicious break from socialists.
Yo Da Laheeeeoooooooo
Here we go, Prez; take it away!
Cash bars are set up at all of the Inaugural Balls. Trump pockets the profits.
The Rest of January
Led by Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell, Congress scraps Medicare and replaces it with vouchers and tax credits entitling bearers deep discounts in burial/cremation services.
Lorne Michaels goes missing.
Trump signs an executive order making Moscow Washington’s “Sister City.”
President Trump nominates Roy Moore for the Supreme Court.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions charges Hillary Clinton with treason.
President Trump signs an executive order replacing Arabic numerals with Roman Numerals.
NBC cancels SNL.
April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Jared Kushner successfully accomplishes a hostile takeover of the New York Times. The New York Times buys the New York Post. The New York Post buys the Washington Post. The Washington Post buys The Village Voice.
Celebrations break out in trailer parks across America as Congress abolishes the Estate Tax.
President Trump celebrates his LXXI birthday at the Eastern Whitehouse in St. Petersburg, Russia. He and Putin announce a new joint Trump/Putin resort in the Crimea.
Hillary Clinton begins a hunger strike.
Trump takes a month off. Congress recesses.
Card carrying communists Santa and Mrs. Claus drown in Arctic Ocean.
SNL replaced by comedy show starring Andrew Dice Clay.
Trump awards Howard Stern a Presidential Medal of Freedom Award.
The Statue of Liberty takes her own life, and Trump replaces her with a statue of Melania.
Evangelicals lobby Trump to ban Trick or Treating as a satanic communistic ritual that encourages the redistribution of candy among the masses.
Trump refuses in what the NY Times editorial board calls “the greatest act of personal heroics since Sir Thomas More was beheaded for his convictions.”
Congress repeals the ACA and replaces it with free first aid kits to all uninsured families (while supplies last).
Hillary Clinton dies in captivity.
America is finally great again.