This evening, I thought I’d take a break from ranting about the vast abyss of metaphysical meaninglessness and instead whine about minutia — first world problems — those irritations that seem like big deals because our having plumbing, heat pumps, disposable income, and oral hygienists at out beck and call has spoiled us, as my grandmama used to say, rotten.

For example, aptly named Yahoo, the homepage I more or less am forced to use because it’s tied to my email account, has turned into little more than a tabloid, a digital National Enquirer. The top story under a blue banner blares this eye-catching headline: “Dwarf Stripper Finds Love with Army Sergeant.”

Beneath the photo of that tiny temptress is a headline that provides the shocking revelation that Mr. Pawdy Johnny Manziel’s teammates consider him a turd. (I might be wrong about this, but I think Manziel had more missed team meetings than completed passes in the 2014 campaign).

Oh look! SNL’s Blake Shelton will try anything! Okay, Blake, here’s a challenge: see if you can steal the dwarf stripper from her true love, the Sergeant.

Further down, I could, if I dared, click on the link that invites me to “take a Luminosity fit test,” to learn just how close I am into slipping into early dementia, but I dare not, because not only don’t I want to know, but also I’m terrified that if I took the test, the science team with “40+ years of combined experience” would start bugging me with emails for the rest of my non-Alzheimer-ridden life. Wow, 40+ years of combined experience! Given that six scientists are featured on the site, they average an eerily Satanic 6.666666 years each!

Human Ken Doll

Plumbing to the bottom of Yahoo’s All Stories, I succumb to this irresistible tease: Human Ken Doll Explain (sic) Why He Got His Forehead Veins Removed. Yipes? Does that also mean that he has had his genitals and nipples removed?

I certainly hope so.