An Existential Country Song in Search of a Tune

with apologies to Mississippi Fred McDowell

After I fell into the ditch of despair,

Jesus quit returning my calls,

So I decided to self-medicate

and got hooked on phenobarbital.

*

Ended up losing my job,

losing my wife,

lost custody of my twin girls,

done ruined my life.

*

Chorus:

Jesus ain’t on the main line,

The phone just rings and rings.

Please pick up your phone, Good Lord.

So I can earn my wings.

*

I shuffle along Hank’s Lost Highway

skinny, stooped, dejected,

one of them obviously homeless men

Society has rejected.

*

Chorus:

Jesus ain’t on the main line,

His phone just rings and rings.

Please pick up the line, Sweet Jesus.

So I can earn my wings.

*

The universe is a lonesome place

When you ain’t got no God

Everything so sad and empty,

a blank billboard, a meaningless facade.

*

So please pick up the phone, sweet Jesus,

Lift me out of this ditch of despair.

Please pick up the phone, sweet Jesus,

So my soul can get repaired.