After Russia’s invasion of the Ukraine, Tucker Carlson remarked, “It may be worth asking yourself, since it is getting pretty serious, what is this really about? Why do I hate Putin so much? Has Putin ever called me a racist? Has he threatened to get me fired for disagreeing with him? These are fair questions, and the answer to all of them is: ‘No.’ Vladimir Putin didn’t do any of that.”
Well, no, come to think of it, Putin has never called me a racist or threatened to get me fired, but then again, neither did Pol Pot, Idi Amin, or Osama Bin Laden.
I wonder, did Ukraine’s president Volodymyr Zelensky ever call Tucker a racist or try to get him fired? What in the hell is Carlson’s point? He doesn’t hate Putin because Putin has never personally wronged him, never had any of his personal friends or family members flung from a five-story hotel window?
If that’s the case, slap his photo next to “Solipsistic” in dictionaries.
If you’re just emerging from a coma and haven’t heard, Tucker travelled to Russia last week to interview Putin and was treated rather rudely, forced to wait for two hours in an uncomfortable chair, and once the beady-eyed ex-KGB head finally arrived, he mocked Tucker’s failed attempt to join the CIA, but what is probably worse, subjected him to a rambling arcane lecture on, “the concept of God, the Russian soul, and what Putin thought of U.S. President Joe Biden.”[1]
[cue Mr. Kurtz: “the horror! the horror!”]
Yeah, but Tucker did get attention, not something he’s been getting much of lately on his streaming service, the Tucker Carlson Network. However, Putin remarked after the event that he had found the interview disappointing. “To be honest,” Putin said, “I thought that he would behave aggressively and ask so-called sharp questions. I was not just prepared for this, I wanted it, because it would give me the opportunity to respond in the same way.”
[whomp whomp]
After the interview, Carlson bopped around Moscow marveling over how it was superior to cities in the US. After purchasing $100 of groceries that would cost $400 at Harris Teeter, he ate at a fast food restaurant that had been a Macdonald’s before the invasion. He lauded both the quality of the cheeseburgers, fries, and chocolate cake he consumed and their low cost, “647 rubles [or] $7.05,” which is quite a bargain, unless you consider that the average annual salary in Russia is 14,771 in US dollars and factor in the strength of the dollar versus the weakness of the ruble.
Now, I’m not into conspiracy theories, not going to claim that Tucker’s visit and Trump’s invitation for Russia to invade NATO are linked to dissident Aleksei Navalny’s murder; however, the timing in a PR sense is not great for either Trump or Carlson.
Anyway, Carlson had already addressed the question of Putin’s ruthlessness before the murder when asked why he hadn’t broached the subject of Navalny’s imprisonment during the interview:
“I didn’t talk about the things that every media outlet talks about because those are covered, and I have spent my life talking to people who run countries, in various countries, and have concluded the following: That every leader kills people, including my leader. Leadership requires killing people. That is why I wouldn’t want to be a leader.”
In the NFC Championship game, I rooted for the Baltimore Ravens because their name comes from the Edgar Allan Poe poem, which the poor boy penned in Baltimore, and also because my friend and bartender extraordinaire Charlie Neeley hails from that neck of the woods.[1]
Charlie and I-and-I
However, now I’m okay with The Ravens losing because Taylor Swift’s romantic relationship with Kansas City’s tight end Travis Kelce has triggered the Fox News crew and engendered conspiracy theories worthy of the donning of tin hats. Idiocy like this helps to keep my aging cynicism spry as my testosterone slowly takes his final bows and shuffles off stage.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light and all that R&B.
But I digress. Here’s an unhinged tweet from Mike Crispi, a major pro-Trump broadcast personality:
“The NFL is totally RIGGED for the Kansas City Chiefs, Taylor Swift, Mr. Pfizer (Travis Kelce). All to spread DEMOCRAT PROPAGANDA. Calling it now: KC wins, goes to Super Bowl, Swift comes out at the halftime show and ‘endorses’ Joe Biden with Kelce at midfield. It’s all been an op since day one.”
Like me, comedian Andrew Nadeau is skeptical:
“I love the idea that liberals conspired to get Taylor Swift to date Travis Kelce and then rigged the playoffs because this somehow abstractly helps Biden. That’s where we shine. We can’t get free healthcare but perfectly execute a Riddler-esque conspiracy to ruin a football game.”
Swift endorsed Biden in 2020 and spurred 35,000 Insta followers to register to vote recently, so MAGA is terrified that Swift’s popularity with Generation Z will produce massive voter turnout among young adults who typically tend to be apolitical.
Some passing-the-graveyard-whistlers claim Trump’s celebrity endorsers will counterbalance the Swiftian avalanche.
For example, Jack Posobiec, whom Twitter describes as “an American alt-right political activist, television correspondent, presenter, conspiracy theorist, and former United States Navy intelligence officer” counters: “We don’t have Taylor Swift on our side, but you know who we have? We have Kid Rock. We have Ted Nugent. We have influencers. We have all these people — Jon Voight.”
Ted Nugent and Kid Rock
As the young people say, “Um, okay.”
[1] Note to writers: avoid “penned” as a synonym for “wrote” unless the subject of the sentence formed letters with a quill.
You Do Hoodoo 